The Akatsuki Sugar Problem
by Scarlet has Fantasy Issues
Summary: She should have known better than to give the Akatsuki special brownies and cookies with way too much chocolate in them, but she did it anyway and this is what happened...


_A/N: This is a random story and it might be somewhat funny, but I've never been a good judge of funny when it comes to me. So, read it and tell me how it makes you feel…Please refrain from telling me that it seems like I was high when I wrote this because I can not remember if I am or not…Please read and review now…_

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Kurayami glanced over her shoulder as she stirred a bowl of cookie dough. Tobi's hand was inching slowly towards the cooling cookies already out on the table. She rolled her eyes and slapped the hand with her wooden spoon.

"No more Tobi!" she snapped, glaring at him. "I know you like them but the other Akatsuki members like them too! Don't you think they'll be mad at me if you eat all of them?"

Tobi nodded slowly and continued staring at the cookies. Kurayami sighed, reaching over and grabbing one of the golden cookies. She held it out to him.

"No more after this one all right?" she asked, looking at him meaningfully as a clone started putting the cookie dough on the cookie sheet in balls. "If you eat too many, you'll end up getting sick and that won't be good."

Tobi's face lit up as he took the cookie and jammed it in his mouth. Kurayami couldn't help but roll her eyes again as she poured the cookies into an old metal popcorn container from last Christmas. It was mostly full and just the third one of the whole pack. Kurayami knew that she had to fill at least two more and that wasn't counting the brownies that she had already finished making earlier.

Ever since she had baked cookies and brownies in the Akatsuki period of her life, the Akatsuki had always demanded that she make them cookies and brownies. Sometimes this made her think that it was the only reason she was still alive half the time. Most of the time, she hoped that her baking would fatten them all up and make them so slow that Konoha could easily take over the hideout. No luck there so far.

"Ami," one of the Kurayami clones said, coming over with three trays of done cookies. (One was balanced on her head.) "We almost have the other two full over there." She nodded back in the other direction, almost losing the cookie tray on her head. "So, we should be good to leave in a few minutes."

Kurayami nodded and took the tray from her clone's head, pouring the contents in the popcorn container. She happened to glance over at Tobi again and saw him stuffing a few more cookies into his mouth.

"Tobi!!!" Kurayami and her clone exclaimed.

Tobi swallowed with difficulty. "Sorry. Ami-chan. Me. Bad."

Kurayami sighed and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "You aren't bad Tobi. Just misunderstood…Okay, you are bad because you work for the Akatsuki, but so did I once. And I was pretty bad myself. But, you really do need to stop taking the cookies or I'll have to put them all up and cancel the trip."

Tobi's eyes got wide and he shook his head wildly. "No! Tobi. Good!"

Kurayami smiled encouragingly and nodded as she gave him a quick hug. She tensed when she heard someone move outside the house and then approach the front door.

"Crap! Kakashi's home!" she exclaimed, looking at her clones. "Stop what you're doing!"

The clones stopped and vanished. Kurayami finished the last batch of cookies and dumped them in the container, closing the lid quickly. She threw the cookie tray (the rest had been clones) into the sink and started stuffing the containers in a bag. (Super stretchy bag!) Then Kakashi was inside and staring at Tobi.

"Umm…Ami, I know I told you that you can invite anyone into the house, except people you don't know, but this isn't what I had in mind," Kakashi commented, glaring at Tobi with his one eye. "No _current _Akatsuki members are supposed to come into this house or this village. You know it's against the rules."

Kurayami pouted and crossed her arms. "But he's harmless."

"No he's not." Kakashi said as Tobi shook his head in Kurayami's direction. "Kurayami, we have to turn him in."

Kurayami smirked and turned into her Sexy no Jutsu (with a variation) form. She smiled at Kakashi and blew a kiss, completely ignoring Tobi, whose eyes went wide.

"Kakashi, please let this one slip," she begged, walking over to him as he tried to deal with a major nosebleed. "I promise nothing bad will happen from this one. He's a good boy…Most of the time."

Kakashi looked down at her as he held his nose and sighed. "Ami, no."

Kurayami sighed and jumped on him, hugging the hell out of him. "Please! Oh pretty please Kakashi-sensei!"

Kakashi looked like he was going to pass out. "No…no…no…no…"

Kurayami gave up and pounded him on the head. Kakashi dropped like a box of rocks. She sighed and turned to face Tobi. A nerve popped in her forehead when she saw that he was staring at her boobs hidden by the smoke. She punched him in the jaw.

"Stop staring!" she ordered, turning back into her normal self. "Now, he's going to be out for a little bit, so we should go now."

Tobi nodded and hurriedly gathered up all the popcorn tins that he could carry in his arms at one time. Kurayami took up the rest of the popcorn tins and grabbed the containers that held the brownies in them. She held open the door and let Tobi pass on ahead of her.

"All right. Let's get out of here," she said, running away like she wasn't carrying anything.

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In the Akatsuki hideout, Kurayami dropped the bag she had stuffed everything in and listened to the bang echo off the walls.

"Boys, Mommy's home!" she called with a smile at Tobi.

Out of the shadows, the Akatsuki appeared. Kurayami took in the new and old faces, wishing that they would learn to recruit more women because she felt so outnumbered.

"All right," she said, clapping her hands together once. "There is cookies and special brownies in this bag like you guys requested again."

The Akatsuki inched forward, ready to grab the bag and rip it to shreds. Kurayami's voice cracked like a whip and had them frozen in their places.

"You can't have any yet," she stated, crossing her arms. "There is a jutsu on this bag that prevents you from getting in it, no matter how hard you work at it."

"Ami, why did you bring them if you weren't going to share?" Kisame demanded, glaring at her in the darkness.

"Now Kisame, when did I say I wasn't going to share them with you boys?" Kurayami questioned. "I simply want to know how many of you actually washed your hands before coming down here."

Half the Akatsuki raised their hands and Kurayami only believed half of them. She rolled her eyes.

"How many of you actually washed your hands with soap and water instead of blood?" she demanded.

All the hands fell though Tobi kept his hand up as if expecting that it would earn him more cookies than everyone else. Kurayami sighed and pulled a large bottle of Germ-X out of nowhere.

"Honestly, you boys make me feel like I'm your mom," she muttered, making them pass it around and use it. "And Deidara, make sure you clean your mouths out too. I know how you like being a potty mouth. Makes me wonder how many times you kissed your real mother with that dirty mouth of yours…before she mysteriously died…"

"Wouldn't you like to know, hmm?" Deidara whispered, rubbing his hands together as he eyed her from where he stood.

"Itachi, use that Germ-X or you won't get anything from the bag," Kurayami threatened, crossing her arms as she glared at the elder Uchiha. "And I know how you like my brownies."

Itachi glared at her and put some of the Germ-X on his hand before passing the bottle on. "Stupid bitch…" he whispered, thinking that she wouldn't hear him above the murmuring of the other Akatsuki members.

"Oh really? Well, at least I know what I am," Kurayami said, pulling out a bag of black nail polish. "Leader-sama, I brought the Akatsuki some more black nail polish because I knew you ran out like last week despite the fact that I gave you a year supply which obviously translates into a couple of weeks supply here."

The leader to whom she was speaking came forward and took the bag, running a finger over her cheek which he used to like striking when she had been a true member of the Akatsuki. "Good girl," he whispered before fading back into the shadows.

"And don't you dare go off to your room and start painting your nails this minute Leader-sama!" Kurayami shouted after him. "That paint has to last until I can get my pay check and blow it on you guys again! And it's for the whole Akatsuki, not just you."

"Leader's pet," Itachi whispered, glaring at her.

"Leader's pet. Leader's pet. Leader's pet!" Kisame chanted.

Then Sasori joined in. Then Tobi, not knowing any better joined, in too. Some of the other Akatsuki members joined in too for a few moments before realizing how stupid it all was.

"Boys! Knock it off before I send you all to time out!" Kurayami snapped, hands going on her hips. "And I'll double your ages so that you have to spend more time in time out. Some of you wouldn't have the patience to stay because you're pretty darn old as you are."

Sasori looked away and shut his mouth tightly. Kisame got purple in the face.

"I am not old!" he declared.

"Let's see, I'm sixteen going on seventeen," Kurayami said with a tiny smirk. "You are twenty-three…seven years difference…You're old and you wouldn't last twenty-three minutes in time out, much less forty-six minutes. So just shut up before I make your life a living nightmare."

"And how would you do that?" Kisame demanded. "Dance around in the buff?"

Kurayami did a few hand signs and blue dolphins erupted from her open palms in the end. Kisame shrieked and backed away, hiding behind some Akatsuki members.

"Ami, knock it off," the leader said, coming back. "Before Kisame wets his pants."

"Fine…" She canceled the jutsu. "And why do you smell like fresh nail polish?"

"Well, I…" the leader began.

"You used the nail polish, didn't you?" Kurayami demanded, crossing her arms. "And don't bother lying. I can smell the nail polish from here." She sighed. "I really hate to have to do this Leader-sama. Go to time out and think about what you've done!"

"You can't boss me around Houka," he said, crossing his arms too. "I'm the leader here."

"Fine. You get fewer cookies now and no brownies," Kurayami said, knowing very well that this particular leader loved her special brownies almost as much as Itachi did. "I'll put a jutsu on the cookies and brownies so that you can't get to them easily. Even if someone attempts to give you one." She glanced around at the now silent Akatsuki members. "And if any of you even attempt to give him any, you will feel like you have hot rocks in your stomach. I hear that's very uncomfortable, right Itachi?"

Itachi glared at her but said nothing.

"So, everyone has cleaned their hands? Yes? Good." Kurayami reached down and opened the bag. She pulled out a popcorn tin and opened it, letting the smell of still warm cookies waft into the air.

Several stomachs growled. (From what Kurayami understood, ever since she had left Kisame and Zetsu had become the cooks for those left behind during missions. People were starting to get tired of tofu, sushi, and the other foods that the two butchered daily.)

_Hence why my wish that they get fat is foiled constantly_, Kurayami thought, pulling out the other tins.

Her clones came back and helped her sort through the tins holding the cookies and the tins holding the brownies. Soon, the tins were lined up with brownies on one side and cookies on the other. Kurayami and her clones were standing behind them, watching the Akatsuki watch them expectantly.

"Well, I guess there's nothing left to say, but dig in boys," Kurayami said, smiling slightly.

The Akatsuki charged forward.

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The cookies were gone in about ten minutes and the brownies, another twenty minutes later. The mood in the room seemed lighter as the food settled in everyone's stomach. Those who had overindulged themselves with the brownies were lying on the floor, muttering to each other or to themselves, laughing at random moments.

"Note to self, ease up on the special ingredients for the brownies," Kurayami muttered, watching this with a small smile on her face. "Though if I upped the dose, the weaker ones could over dose and die and the stronger ones would be too high to do anything rational to stop a oncoming attack from the Leaf Village." She sighed. "Like I would ever get that lucky."

She ducked when a kunai flew in her direction. The people, who had consumed too many cookies and some of the brownies, were bouncing off the walls, some literally. She had been a little generous with the amount of sugar and chocolate she had put in the cookies, but the Akatsuki didn't seem too concerned about her generosity. They loved her cookies and brownies and that's the only thing they saw good about keeping her around. That and she was the only one with a steady pay check and a whole bunch of money left to her from her deceased parents, so she was therefore the only one who could buy them nail polish without using a disguise.

"Ami! Ami! Ami!" Tobi shouted, coming over quickly. "Your. Cookies. Good!!! Want. More! Now!"

"Tobi, there isn't anymore," Kurayami informed him, eating a cookie she had managed to save for herself. "And I wouldn't give you anymore with those kind of manners."

Tobi pouted and crossed his arms, stomping his foot. "Tobi. Want. Cookie. Tobi. Get. Cookie."

Kurayami rolled her eyes as Tobi dashed away after something shiny got his attention. "Itachi, here's a suggestion. Stop staring at my back like it did something wrong to you and just come out with your problem. Or come out of the closet."

"Get this string off my ankle," Itachi ordered, indicating the string made of chakra that Kurayami had attached to his ankle as a precaution.

"No, I don't think I will," Kurayami purred, smiling. "The last time you ate my brownies you were so high you thought you could fly. You jumped off the top of the bunk bed and nearly cracked your abnormally large head open on the floor. Then you tried floating away when you ate more of the brownies and I had to use a string to keep hold of you like I would a balloon."

Itachi's eyes darkened and he took a swipe at the string with a kunai. Kurayami ignored the little explosion that followed and the sound of little metal shards dropping. She was busy dodging the rocks being thrown because of all the sugar that everyone had consumed getting to their heads and doing weird things up there. When she looked back at Itachi, his hair was smoking and standing on end. Soot covered his face.

"Um…You got a little something right there," Kurayami said, pointing at his cheek.

Itachi growled and tried to bite her. Kurayami was instantly reminded of a dog and pulled out a newspaper to deal with it. She started whacking Itachi on the head and everywhere she could hit him without him going into a murderous rage. He caught her in a headlock and she elbowed him in the gut sending him to the ground because she hit him somewhere else at the same time. She was pulled to the ground with him because he still had her in a headlock. Getting angry she bit him on the arm and refused to let go even when he cried 'uncle' in a high girl voice. So, they got into a verbal and abusive argument while Kurayami was trying to rip his arm off with her teeth.

"Jerk!" Kurayami snarled around his arm.

"Bitch!" Itachi snapped, trying to pry her off of his arm as her teeth pierced his flesh.

"Stupid murderer!"

"Fat cow!"

"I'm not fat!! You stupid asshole!"

"I'm not stupid!!! You damn whore!!!"

"You should know!!! Man-whore mean anything to you in the literal sense?"

Itachi brought his fist down on her head. "Damn hard headed bitch!!"

"You already called me a bitch," Kurayami pointed out, shaking her head.

"Well, you're a bigger one," Itachi snapped, wincing as blood seeped out of his bite marks.

"Again, you should know, bastard."

"Takes one to know one."

Kurayami hissed and bit harder, attempting to break his arm's bones in several places. Itachi groaned and punched her in the face.

"Fight?" Kisame asked, wandering over. "Awesome!! Fight!!!"

Several of the other Akatsuki members, who were all high and sugar happy, came over and started chanting 'fight, fight, fight'. Kurayami and Itachi ignored them as she punched him in the groin. Itachi growled and started punching her harder in the head and then he rolled onto the ground, though she was still in a headlock and still attached to his arm.

"Enough!!!" the leader called, breaking the chant up. "No more rough-housing unless you're going to draw some serious blood!"

Kurayami let go of Itachi's arm, so he could show the leader what she had done to it. "She bit me!!!" Itachi declared, showing off his mutilated arm to everyone around them.

"You might get a disease now!" Kisame exclaimed, eyes going buggy.

"Some evil cat disease!" Deidara added, looking equally as freaked out.

Kurayami smirked and wiped the blood off her chin with her hand. "Who's next?" she asked.

Everyone started running up walls and Zetsu closed his plant head up before he made it to the wall, running straight into it and falling back onto his ass. Kurayami chuckled darkly and glanced over at Itachi. He was standing at the edge of a hole, looking down into it. She remembered it being called the Pit of Death and didn't like where this was going.

"Itachi…" she began, standing up again.

"Let's see if I can fly now," he said before taking a step into the pit.

"Itachi, don't you dare do that!!!" Kurayami ordered, running over.

Unfortunately, she tripped over her own string and fell into the Pit of Death. Itachi stepped back, but since they were connected, her weight made him slide forward slightly. The rest of the Akatsuki cheered and clapped and laughed stupidly from the ceiling and the walls.

"Curse you Itachi!!!" Kurayami called, dangling by her ankle. "Curse you high Akatsuki!! I'm never bringing you cookies and special brownies again!!"

"NO!!!!" the Akatsuki cried though Kisame, Sasori, Deidara, and confused Tobi, cried literally.

Slowly, Kurayami became aware that her shirt's hem was starting to get closer to her face. That's when she became aware that there were a few Akatsuki members sitting above the pit looking down at her and her slowly revealing chest.

"Itachi, if you still give a damn, pull me up!!!" Kurayami ordered, glaring up at the rim where he was standing.

"What? You don't want to go down the Pit of Death?" Itachi asked, black eyes narrowing even as a smirk appeared on his face.

"No!" Kurayami exclaimed. "Now, if you don't pull me back up, one you don't care about me anymore and two, I'll reveal all the secrets I know about you! The ones you don't want anyone in the Akatsuki to know about!"

"Reveal them! Reveal them!!" the Akatsuki chanted from around the room.

"What?" Itachi questioned. "My secrets? Or her boobs?"

Half the Akatsuki screamed," Boobs!!"

The other half screamed, "Secrets!!!"

Leader screamed, "Both!!!"

Tobi nodded encouragingly at that.

Itachi sighed and jumped into the pit. Kurayami glared at him as he passed her because she had grabbed some dead guy's hand that had been stuck in the wall forever, but then he turned into a black bird. She let her chakra string melt into nothing as he grabbed her. Then they were out of the pit and on the ground, her on top beating the hell out of him in human form. The Akatsuki were cheering because her shirt hadn't been fixed all the way yet. Kurayami hissed and stood up.

"That's it!!!" she yelled, making everyone shut up and stay very still. "I'm leaving! I'm not coming back with cookies or special brownies for the rest of the year! And consider your finger nail polish income terminated forever!!!"

"NO!!!!" everyone screamed.

"Goodbye," Kurayami said, storming out of the hideout.

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She was aware of someone following her. She turned around and came face to face with Itachi, Tobi, and Kisame. Tobi was still bouncing up and down like crazy because of all the sugar he had ingested.

"Let me guess," Kurayami said, crossing her arms. "Leader-sama sent you to either kill me or make me bring more food for you all."

"No," Itachi said. "We came to ensure that we still get our cookies and brownies." He jerked his thumb at Kisame who was talking to a tree. "He wanted to make sure you wouldn't send any dolphins after him while he sleeps."

"Uh-huh," Kurayami muttered, looking at Kisame with a cocked eyebrow. "Well, I can't guarantee that I won't send dolphins after him. I'm not going to send special brownies anymore because you guys are strange enough without the special ingredients. Cookies, maybe I'll send some overnight or something." She smirked. "After you apologize."

"Apologize?" Itachi asked as if the word was foreign to him though Kurayami knew that to him the word wasn't that foreign. "Apologize for what?"

"For being such a jerk to me," Kurayami said. "And making me go down the Pit of Death!"

"One, you know I'm a jerk already. Two, you tripped and fell in yourself. Three, I don't apologize to anyone…Look at my family…I haven't apologized to them yet and don't plan on it."

Kurayami rolled her eyes. "Consider your cookies nonexistent for two weeks and have fun with the hot rocks in your stomach."

Itachi doubled over as some of his food turned into hot rocks. Tobi held his hand up high and continued jumping around.

"What is it Tobi?" Kurayami asked.

"Does. Tobi. Get. Cookie?" Tobi questioned, looking expectant.

"You get a few cookies every now and then, but not for a week," Kurayami said. "You and the others were naughty little boys back there. I can't forgive you that easily."

Tobi whined and ran away, shrieking like a two year old having a temper tantrum.

"Kisame, I need you to follow our little friend and make sure that the dolphins don't get him," Kurayami said.

Kisame jumped and looked around cautiously. "Dolphins? What dolphins are after my friend?"

Kurayami pointed as she made dolphins appear. "Those dolphins!"

Kisame shrieked and ran away with the dolphins in tow. "The dolphins want to eat my liver!!! Don't let the dolphins steal my teddy bear!! Don't let the dolphins get me Tobi!!!"

Kurayami shook her head and looked back at Itachi. "Now how do I get rid of you?" she asked as she made the hot rocks vanish.

"First promise me that you'll never put hot rocks in my gut again," Itachi ordered. "Second, give me the rest of the cookies that you have on you at the moment."

Kurayami nodded and swore never to put hot rocks in his stomach again. She handed him the cookies, but he grabbed her wrist and pulled her forward into him. He kissed her and was gone before she could react to anything.

"Dammit Itachi!" she exclaimed. "I hate it when you do that!!!"

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When Kurayami got home, she was grounded to her room by Kakashi. She didn't argue for once and went to bed before he could order her to do that too. She waited until he drank the Coke that she had given him and then he dropped to the ground, thanks to the fast acting pills she had slipped into it. Then she pulled out a crystal ball and looked into it.

The Akatsuki were all in a room that she had never been allowed to go into after she had started baking them cookies and brownies. Her eyes got wide when she saw mountains of unopened chocolate bars, containers of cookies, colorful candies still in the wrappers, brownies, cakes, and all kinds of sugary foods. Everyone was tearing into them including the people she least expected to do so like Itachi and Leader-sama. She could see the sugar starting to get to their heads and start working through their systems.

"This isn't going to be good for any village they come across if they get out there," she muttered to herself. "They all need to go to rehab for their sugar addiction! And I encouraged it! I'm a bad person."

She hid her crystal ball again and put herself in time out for the rest of the night.

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_A/N: Okay. I would like to state now that I'm not high. I'm crazy and random. Please review now and I don't mind flames. They keep me warm at night and are good for lighting the way down the Pit of Death. Love to all who review!_


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